This is how women say it and how men take it.

You say: “Are you close?”
He hears: Would you hurry up? I’m bored!

You say: “Is it in yet?”
He hears: You’re so small, I can’t even feel it.
“Or I wonder if her ex was huge,” says one

You say: “Let’s finish.”
He hears: You suck at this whole s3x thing.
“Not pleasing your woman is a big no-no,”
another friend says.

You say: “Oh, John!”—when his name is actually
Jacob. Whoops!
He hears: Oh, John! (And the sound of his erect!
on taking a nose-dive.)

You say: … (nothing)
He hears: The crickets in the distance. “I figure I
must be doing things all wrong,” says yet
another friend. “That, or she fell asleep.”

You say: “Don’t do that.”
He hears: That doesn’t feel good. “I don’t mind
constructive criticism,” says one guy, “but at
least tell me what I can do instead to make you
feel good.”

You say: “My ex used to…”
He hears: You’re not as good as my ex, and I
wish I was with him instead.